Waiting in the dark
by Danena
Summary: Oneshot. His terrible past had always been haunting him from the dark corners of his mind. And now he had gotten the punishment he knew would come. She knew. Could she ever forgive him? AttonExile


"You can't just throw everything away,  
What you did to people,  
It's always there,  
Waiting for you in the dark."

" " "

He knew this would happen.  
He had always known.  
There was no salvation, redemption, forgiveness or peace for one such as him.  
He had fallen too far for that.  
And now he had gotten the punishment he knew would come.  
She knew.

She had confronted him with the information she had gotten from the twi´leks about his past.  
That had resulted in a heated argument full of stinging words and dark revelations.  
And now she knew.

Atton sighed and rubbed his eyes as he aimlessly roamed the dark streets of Nar Shaddaa.

The day he left the Sith, the day _she_ showed him the truth, he had felt guilt and regret sweep over him as a great, crushing wave. The pain and fear was unbearable and he fled to Nar Shaddaa, getting lost in the crowd. Becoming an anonym person. A somebody. Just a life lived.  
But he couldn't run from the emotions that kept pouring in, from the nightmares that plagued his sleep. So he drowned himself in alcohol and loose women trying to forget.  
Dying wouldn't be hard at that time, living was the real challenge. Living with himself was impossible.  
He was alone. Cause no one would understand, no one would forgive. So he didn't say anything and no one asked.  
At times he would sit in his room, gun in his hand, thinking of how easy it would be just to pull the trigger.  
But he didn't.  
Somehow he got by, somehow he kept on living, becoming emotionally detached, his heart growing cold; shutting out all the emotions that otherwise would have killed him.  
Day after day went by and days became weeks, and weeks became months, and months became years. Every day completely like yesterday.

But then, one day he found himself behind a force field looking at a beautiful, half-naked Nialina, glowing with strength and willpower.  
After that everything had changed.  
Something about her melted the ice and stripped his heart of its armour. She ignited a tiny spark of hope within him and he gladly followed her anywhere. Even on a crazy suicide quest, with a bunch of even more crazy Jedi, to save the galaxy. He felt himself change and become someone else.

But even as he was finally letting go of his past, his past held on to him.The old witch who read the secrets of his diseased soul and used it as blackmail, the blonde wonder-boy who threatened to take Nia from him and by that awakened old hate for Jedi, and the culmination of it all when he finally told her the truth and thereby pushed her away from him.  
She had left the Hawk without a word and none of the crew knew where she had gone.

And now Atton was wandering around Nar Shadda looking for a cantina.As he approached one, a silhouette at the edge of the street, caught his eye. As he drew closer he recognised the form.  
It was Nialina.  
She was standing with her back to him, facing the breathtaking view of the city of Nar Shaddaa with its lights glowing in the night.  
"Atton?"  
He heard her voice call out as he was about to run for it.  
He turned around. She was still facing away from him.  
"Yeah?" He replied casually as if they hadn't had a big argument.  
"I knew it was you. I sensed your presence." She said quietly.  
He snorted. What a typical Jedi´ish thing to say.  
"Is that so?"  
He could hear her sigh.  
"Would you join me?" She asked him gently.  
He hesitated, and then walked over to stand by her side.  
"It's beautiful, isn't it? In its own way." She said after a long moment of silence.  
He shrugged.  
"Yeah, I guess it is."  
An awkward silence kicked in and Atton felt his frustration grow. He was sick and tired of being haunted by his past.  
"So what now, Nia?" He said forcefully all of a sudden.  
"Now you know about all my dark and dirty secrets, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna kill me? Throw me off of the ship? _I'd_ like to hear the truth for once!" He finished raising his voice at the last sentence.  
Nialina just turned and looked at him, completely unaffected by his outburst.  
"I'm not going to do anything before I hear the whole story." She said calmly and collected.  
Atton threw his arms up in frustration.  
"I´ve told you _everything_! Everything I haven't told anyone else! There's nothing more to say!" He yelled angrily.  
Suddenly he felt her hands on either side of his face.  
"Let me in, Atton." She said softly, closing her eyes with an expectant expression on her face.  
For a moment Atton just looked at her confused. Then he felt her presence gently prodding his mind.  
At first Atton wanted to push her away, but then he thought that if anyone deserved to know, she did and with that he closed his eyes with a relieved sigh and let the barriers of his mind fall.

He let her in and she saw _everything_. The whole story.  
His hatred for the Jedi and everything he had done as a Sith.  
_Her_ and how she made him leave the Sith.  
And then all the years in an exile –as her own.  
With regret, guilt, despair, pain, grief, frustration and hopelessness –as her own.  
She saw him finally giving up and drowning himself in meaningless things –just as she had.  
She saw herself, as she had looked the day they met, and the hope she represented to him.  
And at last she saw the most guarded of all his secrets.  
His love for her.

He finally opened his eyes with a calming feeling of.. contentment? He had nothing left to hide from her, no more dark burdens weighing him down.  
She looked at him with a weird glint in her eye and then she nodded as if she had come to some sort of solution. She met his gaze and took his hand.  
"I forgive you."  
Of all words she could have spoken, those were the ones Atton had expected the least.  
He looked at her incredulous.  
"You have punished yourself enough over the years and your remorse proves that you regret what you have done with all of your heart."  
She smiled slightly, kindly.  
"Let it go, Atton."  
And with those words something in him loosened and faded away. A rotten part of him died and the spark of hope grew.  
He found the strength to return her smile. Not one of his usual smirks or wolfish grins but a real and sincere smile.  
Nia´s beautiful blue eyes sparkled as she sensed the change in him. She straightened and looked seriously at him.  
"You can't forget what you have done, but you can learn to live with it. Wounds will always leave scars. And you can't undo what you did, but you can change yourself and your future."  
He felt a feeling of warmth go from her hand and into his, running up his arm.  
"Atton, you have the potential to become a great Jedi and help people in need. No one can make up for their mistakes and call it even, but they can do just as much good, so the day they die they will be able to think back on good deeds and experiences as well as bad."  
He felt the Force running from Nia´s hand into his, spreading through his body and chasing out the dark with light. The shadows from which his past was haunting him were gone, leaving only an echo to remind him of his mistakes.  
He was now a Jedi.  
And as if to seal a promise, Nia leaned forward and kissed him.

Atton continued his training at Nialina´s hands and soon became a full-fledged Jedi.  
After they had defeated the Sith Lords and they were saying goodbye as Nialina was about to leave to find Revan in the unknown regions, they each made a promise to the other.  
She promised to come back and he promised to help restore the Jedi to former glory in her absence.  
Both of them held their promise.

He had tried to run. He had tried to hide. He had tried to die.  
And finally, he tried to atone.  
And finally he found the peace he had sought all his life.

A/N: The Exile´s name Nialina is pronounced: Nya-lie-na.  
The quote at the beginning is spoken by John Travolta in the movie: Lonely Hearts.  
This is my first fanfic about KotOR2 so please review (:


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